Kaycee Lynn Pancake
Hey Guys, I just remembered something: I have a blog!
As I’ve been literally living the dream as a SAHM (that’s Stay-At-Home-Mom for those not in the super cool SAHM “know”), I’ve been kinda keeping a bit of an eye out for freelance writing work, and as I was putting together a modest portfolio I remembered this little place where I can write what I want whenever I want… y’know, in between diapers, feeds, and naps. Did I mention that this is LITERALLY my dream?!
But there’s this huge bit of pressure about blogging, especially with trying to use it as a side-gig: it’s called a “niche.” The idea is that you pick one topic to write about, like that’s the thing you’re an expert on. I have two problems with that.
One: how in the world do you pick one thing to write about? Seriously: I’m a wife and mom, a childcare professional (possibly retired, we’ll see), a Christian woman, a writer. My story involves familial relationships, an eating disorder, single hood, marriage, PAIL (Pregnancy And Infant Loss) along with TTC (Trying To Conceive) and PAL (Pregnancy After Loss). All of which I’m fairly active about online, as demonstrated by the amount of acronyms rivaled only by the military.
Two: I’m not an expert in any of these things. My degree is in writing, and I haven’t made a dime doing it. I’m probably done with childcare after ten years of it never getting further than a lead teacher position. I like to think I got pretty good at being single, but I’m clearly not anymore. I like to think the hubs and I are pretty good at marriage for only being at it for three years, but we haven’t been at it that long. The mental health niche scares me. And faith? Am I an expert? I think God just laughed milk out of his nose. Not really, ‘cuz He is love and He knows I’m trying. But seriously. We all have some work to do—I have a lot
So what do I blog about?
I was pondering these things while I sorted through clothes and burp rags in the laundry room today when the word “vulnerability” popped into my head.
I’ve always valued vulnerability. We were created to be in community—to support one another and learn from each other. We can’t get help unless we’re honest about needing it, and others can’t learn from us if we refuse to share what we have learned. Vulnerability is how we sharpen one another as iron sharpens iron.
This thing has happened over the last two and a half years though: I’ve become way more hesitant to be vulnerable. Something about losing a child tests your faith in ways I’m not sure anything else can, and it has made me ask questions I never thought I’d ask. I’ve been afraid that the things I’m questioning make me a “bad witness,” like if people knew what was going through my head and heart it might make them question instead of encourage them to hold fast. I thought I needed answers for myself first before being vulnerable would actually be helpful to the Kingdom. And when it became apparent that I will probably never get the answers I want, I thought I had to be okay with that before being vulnerable would actually be helpful. And you know what? I haven’t done that either. I still don’t like it.
But whether I feel it or not: God is still good, and He still has a reason that I’m here.
So I don’t have a niche right now. And I’m still not comfortable being vulnerable. But I have this blog, and I’ve dreamed of this moment in my life where I could write whatever I want whenever I want… y’know, in between diapers, feeds, and naps. So hi there! And thank you for reading my blog!